Iylana Vansant did a lecture on this subject for OWN,and it struck a nerve with me. In regards to the friendships, family dynamics and my own romantic relationships.
As, she was talking I sat back and said to myself how many times have I done this to myself. How many times have I allowed another person's crazy to become my own, to the point were I put my own life on hold. Funny thing, I wasn't always like this. ... I remember back when I first had my daughter it was a crazy time for me. I had a mixed bag of emotions, frayed family relationships, and a strained relationship with my daughter's father, and instead of dealing with my mess. I was so afraid to come grips with my new reality. I went above and beyond the duties of a friend buying a car, helping with utility bills, court dates, babysitting, moving, bailing them out of jail, helping (paying) with their wedding. Not to mention, I was the emotional dumping ground for everyone's life problem.
I was so consumed with their crazy and when it all went away I didn't even attempt to clean up my crazy. I subconsciously took on another crazy mess, after another, it was like I was the Queen of Captain Save a Messy Life. When I needed to be saving myself from my own crazy that I created by taking on problems that had no relavance in my life. I really had to sit a question myself on why I made other's mess my own.
Why would I make the conscious or sub-conscious decision not to value my own life the way I did others. Better yet, why was I so afraid to clean up the mess. Why was so afraid to come to myself?
I had to admit to myself that I was not my best fan at the time. I was looking at myself as someone who failed. Instead of embracing what I created. Drowning myself in my own thoughts put me down a path of going through the motions. When I should have been growing through the experience.
Once I admitted that to myself and took an inventory of my life. The only goal that I had on mind was to strap on my boots and clean up my mess and put me first. Doing this was the best thing I ever did for me. Yes, I lost friends, romantic relationships, and removed my self from toxic family dynamics. My circle is smaller, but it not as draining nor can I get lost in their mess. Because, I will always put myself first.
This was Afrikah
Stay Blessed
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